Time to Complain

I think its time that we stop looking at life as if just a series of mile markers. I'm talking specifically to myself. I find myself looking at where I am and just wanting it to be over and for me to be at a point where if the iron is broken I can afford to just go out and buy one. Or if one of our light bulbs goes out it won't break the bank if I buy one immediately.

I am LDS and in that culture, being single and a young adult is something that is often perceived of as being something you should just wait to end. Marriage is where you want to be. Since it's a commandment from God to be married that's where you're going to be blessed and thereby happy right?  Maybe it's just me, but I've never been concerned about my dating life. There have been times in which people like to project their worries on me, and then I get nervous. I just suck at dating and when I figure it out, I'm sure it'll be great or whatever. But I'm not going to treat my life as though it's worthless until I am married, that's silly. Who wants to marry a person not enjoying themselves and the time they have to participate in amazing adventures. All I can do is worry about me.

But I have to admit, I probably do that way too much-worry about me that is. I have a long and very arduous story that has been weighing on me for the last year or more. I feel its necessary for me explain this story so you fully understand why I want this phase of life to just end. I understand if you don't want to read this as it will appear as though I'm complaining. And yes, I am. I'll let you know when I'm done with this story so you just jump on afterwards.

Beginning of Rant:

It all started with my giant senior project. I was a film major and in my group the only one that specialized in Art Department work (costuming, props, set dressing, hair and make-up). This didn't bother me at all, in fact I loved it! But I was really new in film, I didn't know that I was digging myself a massive hole by doing the work of four departments on my own. Let's just say it was the dumbest move I've ever made. For a number of reasons, some I won't mention. Some of these reasons being that I had to take off too much work, get more loans in order to dedicate all my time to this senior project. Since I was working none stop at a part time job, full time on my senior project and full time in school my health deteriorated rapidly. I'm still recovering from all the damage I did, financially and physically.

If that wasn't the worst of it, that wouldn't be so bad. I went into further debt when the University wouldn't let me graduate with only 4 credits left. I signed up for three films that I thought I could get internship credit for and they declined me every time after I had already done the internship, and the work, emptying my pocket by not allowing me to work for money at a regular job. Yes, all these films were done for mostly very cheap or free. Further in financial trouble. Sometimes having to ask for money to pay rent and other necessities.

And this is where it gets more dumb and naive on my part. So I just plugged away with no money finishing a couple classes at school and working as much as I could at a part time job. I eventually got to a point where I could regularly pay my bills and I thought, "I should go to LA." I really want to take film seriously and be in it full time. But I was afraid and nervous of putting my neck out there. And yes, I quit my student job the moment I graduated and drove to LA. I thought, "If I don't find work in a month I'll just go back."I didn't even look for work in LA. I like where I live, I like who I live with and I didn't want to lose that and I really didn't know how to do it or if I could afford to do that. So I just goofed off for a couple weeks and then drove back home. And then realized that I still didn't have a job regardless. So dumb.

The day I came back to Utah, I got a cold, followed by food poisoning, followed by the flu. I was pretty sick for a whole month while desperately trying to find a job. So I caved and to my ever shame, asked for my job back at the MTC. They agreed to let me work there again, but only until the end of the semester, so until the end of April. So I was out of work for more than a month until I could find work again. Again not having enough to survive on.

End of Rant.

I have just got a new job, it is also a part time job. It's all I've been able to find and I am deeply grateful that I have a job.

I think though that every phase of life comes with a good ol' fashioned identity crisis. Because I know that I still won't be able to afford my bills with this job. All I want is either a full time job where I get health benefits, or I want to work in film. But this goes back to what I stated in the beginning, "Its time that we stop looking at life as if just a series of mile markers." Because once I get that, then I'll want an iPhone, to be more social, to buy maxi skirts, and be a killer awesome banjo player. Either way my wants will never be satisfied.

Either way I wish at the end of this rant I could put more of a positive spin on it or a lesson learned. I've heard a lot of inspirational jargon people like to throw at me as though it will somehow give me peace or change my circumstance. At this very point though, I feel too dumb to know how to change, not enough resources to be able to do so anyhow and as much as I would LOVE for someone to just let me live at their house for free it's more likely it won't happen. I guess, I really just have to ask who ever reads this to keep me in your prayers. That when I get the bills for my student loans, that I can afford them. I would really appreciate that, thank you.

Grateful for...

Its time to be grateful for things. I'm sorry it's a little late. I realize this is supposed to come out around Thanksgiving. My sincerest apologies, I suppose it's just hard to put in words what's felt first. Speaking of first; first things first: I'm grateful for family :)

I would love to start by saying how grateful I am for all of my grandparents. They have held me in their arms and have shown me their lives and their world. And by that, I felt I knew everything there was to know about them.

They are my angels, and although they are not here with me, I feel their presence and remember their legacy, and that's all I need, right?

My Dearest Siblings:
How do you thank the people who have been everything to you and more? I suppose there's no shame in trying. Thank you for being a best friend, advisor, shoulder to cry on, spiritual leader, a strength and a light. You are honestly everything to me.

Parents of the best nature:
I do greatly love my parents. There are gifts they have given me and gifts I'm sure are to come. Thank you for giving me gifts not of a material sense, but life long lessons that have made my life more whole and more colorful.I'm sure mom will laugh at that :)

Next! To my dearest friends:
To Holly:
I know there are times we don't see much since now you live in the boonies teaching art to teenagers who need you :) But I love you bunches and bunches. You changed so many things in my life and I am indebted to you for it. Cherishing the memories!

To film friends:
What great mentors ya'll are! Goodness me. Shaping my future and my present, thanks for being good friends and the best people ever to work with!

I couldn't figure out how to put pictures of everyone on my blog so instead I'm going to pay you homage by sharing with you my very first video. It's horrible and made half fast. But it's the thought that counts right?

To my mission sisters:
I like referring to you as my sisters. I really think of you as sisters. I'm bonded to you in such a way that there is no right or possible way I could describe it. You came in my life when I didn't know who I was, or where I fit in, and helped me shape myself into exactly what I wanted to be. I look up to you, and admire you. I wish I could be just like you! And I'm always seeking your admiration. I love you, I love you, I love you!

To The Greatest Woman!

Something that has been on my mind since the beginning of this year are the people who have changed my life for the better. And I'd like to dedicate a little time to them, starting with my Grandma, Pat Miller.

(first woman to the left)

I think I've always looked at her like my hero. She had courage in life. She was a fighter and a lover. But I think the greatest evidence of what a wonderful woman she was is through the two girls she raised. Almost entirely on her own. They are also one of the most incredible women I have ever had the  honor of knowing. I have seen them have a lot of struggle in their lives and like my Grandma Miller, they came out on top. I hope that they can see that too. And I hope they know I think that about them.

Just to give you a little background about my grandma. She grew up as a military brat traveling everywhere with her parents. But she fell in love with California (well, who wouldn't)? Her father-from what I've been told-was well, so controlling he could probably be described as a lunatic. I like to give this story to prove my point. My great grandmother (also a wonderful woman) was never allowed to wear pants, and had to serve him his scotch everyday at-I think it was 5pm-on a silver saucer. This was one of his many many demands. He was a serious alcoholic. Once he was so drunk that when he was being transferred back to the US he passed out on the boarding dock missing the boat. Then blamed it on his family. See what I mean?

At the age of 18 my grandma graduated high school and signed up for the Navy as a secretary. Really so she could travel and have some adventure! And did she ever ;)

This is where my grandma met a man name George Cunningham and married his soon after. And to be honest, I don't know much about him. It was always a hard thing for my Grandma to discuss and I understand. What I do know, is that he left them when my mom was 7 yrs. old. He was a really bad bank robber/con artist and was always in jail. To avoid getting in jail again he fled. He tried to persuade my grandma to take the kids and come with him.

I imagine how that moment must have been for my grandma. Scared to lose her family and more afraid of what that kind of life that would be for her children. Knowing that either way, she was on her own. She declined and stayed with two small children and no husband. I realize that from this moment on there has been a lot of pain, and hardship. I don't discredit that.  However, I would like to add that we learn how to obtain a more lasting happiness from our suffering. I truly believe that my grandma and her children learned to obtain happiness from those dark times. My grandma, and both my mom and her sister learned that value and happiness is in their own families. My Grandma was a hard worker and she received every benefit from that possible. I really believe that.

If there are a few lessons I could take from my Grandma it would be-it's worth waiting for the right man :) and don't be afraid of the changes life throws your way. Live a life filled with courage. Courage to take on the challenges of life, sacrifices you need to make for family, and changes you need to make for yourself. I really think success is given to those that have the courage to take it. Thank you Grandma for showing me how. I will love you always

Sept. 28, 1934-May 12, 2012

FOOD!

So, I have been feeling kind of sick. Perhaps because of a few things. But one thing we think is because of some food allergen. I've always known I have somewhat of an intolerance to dairy and for the most part have not ever stayed away from it.... I love dairy, okay? I can't help it that its tasty.
I've also been told that dairy allergies can be accompanied with other major allergens like soy or wheat. So I am doing a little allergy test on my own. It's really been a mourning period for me, and I would like to take this time to say goodbye, to the following:
Betty Crocker Brownies (The super cheap, fudgy kind). You and I had a long run together. Remember when I ate you everyday for nearly 6 months, and then more sparsely but still rather often after that? I do. Remember how you tasted better than really expensive brands? And much much much better than gluten free/soy free/ dairy free kinds. I love you Betty Crocker! I will always love you for the good times we have shared together.

Bread: I miss you bread. I especially miss the super unhealthy, overly soft, white bread. You made bologna sandwiches the best. And also though grilled cheese sandwiches have always given me a tummy ache, but I was in bliss eating you. I remember preaching to people that whole wheat might be good for you, but white will always taste better. And it makes my tongue itchy. I don't think it's because I'm allergic to it, but I do think it's because, is nasty. Also not eating, makes it really hard to have a burger in restaurants. I don't know how to get my meat if you are not covering it. You make everything easier to eat in a car. My car is happy. I'm not.

Cheese: I super miss you most. I could put you on crackers, and you taste awesome with avocado, and tomato. You also make a BLT, a BLTAwesome. I will miss that. I will especially miss it on my unhealthy, squishy bread. Remember a time when people didn't eat tons of cheese? I don't. Cheese you are also in my sushi. Cream cheese style. Remember Cheesecake? I'm trying to erase it from my mind, PTSD style. I drooled about you last night. It was a real sad commentary on how much I miss you. You know what else is good? Cheese curds... fried... from Culver's

Ice Cream: I think I miss you. I miss you more because I can't have you. I want custard real bad.

J-Dawgs: J-Dawgs, you are made of bread, soy and joy. I love you. Want to hear a conversation I recently had with myself outside of your restaurant?

Me: I can do this! (as I grip the steering wheel)
Me: But if I have it just this once I can just start the test over again. I'm not that far into this whole allergy testing thingy. I could just start over
-5 Minutes Later
Me: But then I'd be on it longer
Me: But I super want special sauce!!!! On a polish dog! With unhealthy bread.... sigh
Me: I have to drive to Amber's. She'll feed me.
Me: I'm just so hungry.

Brazilian Lemonade: Since when does lemonade have dairy in it?

Soy: Why are you in everything? Including dark chocolate? Stop it!

Vending Machines: You know? I only eat at vending machines at work, and seem to be completely incapable of bringing food to work.

Fast Food Restaurants: You make things SO convenient. And you give me lots of meat. Want to know what I had for dinner tonight? Let's just say, I didn't include meat.

In conclusion, I am craving Sushi, lots and lots of sushi right now. And Mochi covered plum ice cream.... and fried chicken. Goodbye tasty, tasty food. I'll lament your absence.

The Forehead

In one sentence, I want to celebrate, what I most hate about myself. Starting with my most hated feature, my forehead. It's funny how something so insignificant as a forehead can impact the rest of your life. How you perceive yourself and others, for good and bad. I've been told that my forehead is so big it makes me look like I'm balding. I remember when I started Junior High, a boy told me I wouldn't be so ugly if I wore bangs to cover up my forehead. I took that to heart, and I have never gone without bangs since. But it wasn't enough. I have a huge calic. Which prevented me from covering my forehead, and allowing kids from pointing it out. They used to call me Super Penny. Which is now kind of funny, but at the time was torture. They would chant it as I walked into class. They made up this story about how my forehead is so big that it would reflect off light and zap people. They would ask me, "how many people did you kill today, Penny?" I would try to shake it off with some joke, but I made my mind up that I must be really ugly. And their insults just kept confirming it. In fact, I remember one kid saying to me, "Penny, you could be a carney, you have small hands, small feet, small teeth, and a huge forehead. The perfect freak." When I figured out how to work with my calic, and cover my forehead entirely, the comments on it stopped. And really I felt like, so long as I hid part of me, I looked pretty. But it never stopped, there was always something else I thought looked just as ugly. But I'm going to let go, starting now.

I hope I can best explain, that although these are thoughts and feelings I still struggle with, I know that I can move past them. That they don't have to dictate who I am as a person. For the first time, in more than 12 years, I pulled back my bangs and went out in public. I have to say, no one noticed, not even my own family. Which in some way, was relieving. My forehead wasn't so big it distracted people from their everyday lives and made them notice it more than just me and my presence.

When all is said and done. I love my forehead, because it has made me sensitive, kind hearted, not apt to make judgements on people and their appearances. To know that beneath every person is someone who is just as sensitive about their looks as me. I want people to know, I may be plain looking but that is not a reflection on me as a person. Its time a take a moment to celebrate me too.