I think its time that we stop looking at life as if just a series of mile markers. I'm talking specifically to myself. I find myself looking at where I am and just wanting it to be over and for me to be at a point where if the iron is broken I can afford to just go out and buy one. Or if one of our light bulbs goes out it won't break the bank if I buy one immediately.
I am LDS and in that culture, being single and a young adult is something that is often perceived of as being something you should just wait to end. Marriage is where you want to be. Since it's a commandment from God to be married that's where you're going to be blessed and thereby happy right? Maybe it's just me, but I've never been concerned about my dating life. There have been times in which people like to project their worries on me, and then I get nervous. I just suck at dating and when I figure it out, I'm sure it'll be great or whatever. But I'm not going to treat my life as though it's worthless until I am married, that's silly. Who wants to marry a person not enjoying themselves and the time they have to participate in amazing adventures. All I can do is worry about me.
But I have to admit, I probably do that way too much-worry about me that is. I have a long and very arduous story that has been weighing on me for the last year or more. I feel its necessary for me explain this story so you fully understand why I want this phase of life to just end. I understand if you don't want to read this as it will appear as though I'm complaining. And yes, I am. I'll let you know when I'm done with this story so you just jump on afterwards.
Beginning of Rant:
It all started with my giant senior project. I was a film major and in my group the only one that specialized in Art Department work (costuming, props, set dressing, hair and make-up). This didn't bother me at all, in fact I loved it! But I was really new in film, I didn't know that I was digging myself a massive hole by doing the work of four departments on my own. Let's just say it was the dumbest move I've ever made. For a number of reasons, some I won't mention. Some of these reasons being that I had to take off too much work, get more loans in order to dedicate all my time to this senior project. Since I was working none stop at a part time job, full time on my senior project and full time in school my health deteriorated rapidly. I'm still recovering from all the damage I did, financially and physically.
If that wasn't the worst of it, that wouldn't be so bad. I went into further debt when the University wouldn't let me graduate with only 4 credits left. I signed up for three films that I thought I could get internship credit for and they declined me every time after I had already done the internship, and the work, emptying my pocket by not allowing me to work for money at a regular job. Yes, all these films were done for mostly very cheap or free. Further in financial trouble. Sometimes having to ask for money to pay rent and other necessities.
And this is where it gets more dumb and naive on my part. So I just plugged away with no money finishing a couple classes at school and working as much as I could at a part time job. I eventually got to a point where I could regularly pay my bills and I thought, "I should go to LA." I really want to take film seriously and be in it full time. But I was afraid and nervous of putting my neck out there. And yes, I quit my student job the moment I graduated and drove to LA. I thought, "If I don't find work in a month I'll just go back."I didn't even look for work in LA. I like where I live, I like who I live with and I didn't want to lose that and I really didn't know how to do it or if I could afford to do that. So I just goofed off for a couple weeks and then drove back home. And then realized that I still didn't have a job regardless. So dumb.
The day I came back to Utah, I got a cold, followed by food poisoning, followed by the flu. I was pretty sick for a whole month while desperately trying to find a job. So I caved and to my ever shame, asked for my job back at the MTC. They agreed to let me work there again, but only until the end of the semester, so until the end of April. So I was out of work for more than a month until I could find work again. Again not having enough to survive on.
End of Rant.
I have just got a new job, it is also a part time job. It's all I've been able to find and I am deeply grateful that I have a job.
I think though that every phase of life comes with a good ol' fashioned identity crisis. Because I know that I still won't be able to afford my bills with this job. All I want is either a full time job where I get health benefits, or I want to work in film. But this goes back to what I stated in the beginning, "Its time that we stop looking at life as if just a series of mile markers." Because once I get that, then I'll want an iPhone, to be more social, to buy maxi skirts, and be a killer awesome banjo player. Either way my wants will never be satisfied.
Either way I wish at the end of this rant I could put more of a positive spin on it or a lesson learned. I've heard a lot of inspirational jargon people like to throw at me as though it will somehow give me peace or change my circumstance. At this very point though, I feel too dumb to know how to change, not enough resources to be able to do so anyhow and as much as I would LOVE for someone to just let me live at their house for free it's more likely it won't happen. I guess, I really just have to ask who ever reads this to keep me in your prayers. That when I get the bills for my student loans, that I can afford them. I would really appreciate that, thank you.
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